October 14th I decided to log off social media. I was just frustrated with the selfishness of those around me. It was a selfish reason to log off because I was tired how other people’s choices were directly impacting me. Many times the past two months I have wanted to post my feelings but refrained from doing so. Now at 2:00 am I am laying in bed still struggling with the take, take, take of those around me. This is supposed to be a merry season, a season of joy yet I find myself crying at the thought of having to do anything more. Crying at the expectations… at the constant ask for more. I don’t have much more to give and it is literally killing me inside. Kind of fitting that today, December 21st is titled as “Blue Christmas”. Traditionally Blue Christmas is a day to provide contemplative worship for those experiencing grief or loss during the season. It is about comforting fellow Christians who are grieving and struggling to find joy and hope during the season. That for sure is me. So besides praying, how do you find that joy and hope when it honestly feels like there is no more? That there is no more you can give during a time that should be filled with happiness and service? The Grinch’s heart grew three times but I feel as if mine has shrunk three times and it makes me feel guilty to have such negative and depressing feelings. This year, it truly is a Blue Christmas and I just want the season to be over with so they expectations of the holiday can be over. But honestly? Truly? Without having to give anymore of yourself, how do you overcome these feelings?
I am always in some sort of pain. It really does become something you just get use to. It really is the only choice (for me) when no other form of therapy relieves the pain. I just live with the fact that I will always be in pain.
This photo was taken on August 22, 2020. Still experiencing a lot of emotion these past couple days but to say I feel really blessed I do not remember the pain from brain surgery is an understatement. I. DO. NOT. REMEMBER. THE. PAIN. I see photos like this and know I felt pain and I remember saying, “It just hurts!” and breaking down in tears but I do not remember feeling the pain.
This year, the pain is all in my heart.
In other news, my super cute little nephew, Bradley, FaceTimed me yesterday. It brought some sunshine into my cloudy mood.
One Year Ago
Last year I had every intention of blogging throughout brain surgery recovery… but I didn’t. I do not remember much about recovery but I do remember not having the energy or drive to blog or journal. So now a year later I feel I owe it to myself to record my feelings.
I think I expected to feel a sense of relief today. But today has brought back so many emotions and not even good emotions. I still don’t feel like myself. I do not know who I am anymore.
Seeing photos from last year have made me cry, cry all day. This was the most amount of fear I have ever felt. I was not allowed to have anyone come into the hospital with me. Literally dropped off at the curb. It was so scary. After surgery I just wanted to talk to my parents and had no way of communicating with them. It was so lonely and terrifying. A feeling I think about often… a feeling I can not forget. It is hard to feel THE feelings. Truly hard. And now I have 8 weeks of feelings I did not journal last year. This is hard!
And the world fell apart…
I have been mentally trying to destress and be anxiety free for surgery on Thursday. It seems like the world is pushing against me right now. Telling me I should be taking care of others before myself. Telling me to postpone surgery for another date. But then I am also being pushed to care for myself. The guilt is unreal. Today I came across this shirt from Etsy. It made me laugh… because it is so true. Multiple times a day I run into walls thinking I am in the middle of a path. Just one symptom of many… that could be solved with one minor brain surgery.
On another hand. My last post I said I would be blogging about feelings and experiences leading up to this moment. I literally forgot what I was going to blog about. Soooo, maybe it will be an afterthought blog.
Day 3 of SNOW
I know people are mocking Seattle. But we have gotten more snow in a day than we usually do in a year. It is a giant ice skating rink and the coldness bites your bones. We have two more snow storms and I am so over it. The sleep deprivation from the overnight at work has taken its toll. I am just hoping I can keep being positive at work. I think that is the hardest part– maintaining my sanity being so tired. (There is really only one person I want to push over in the snow and lock the doors!)
I am so tired I am waiting as long as I can to go to bed. A 7:00pm bedtime tonight? That seems okay to me! 7 days in a row of work… 4 more to go. I deserve an early bedtime!
I really fell in love with planners and the art of making them my own a couple years ago. I have ALWAYS loved planners, writing things in notebooks, and making lists. I am one of those crazy people who will write something on my shopping list (at the store) just so I can cross it off. These past four years I have kind of lost my passions and hobbies. I was miserable (still am sometimes), gained weight during the commute (pre-commuting I would work out at the gym twice a day…), and was just not a happy person. It was hard having to put on a happy face, working a job where it was kind of required, when I was feeling so lost inside. Last April, I transferred to a community 1.3 miles away from my house. With years of commuting, I lost HOURS a day and lost all motivation to read, write, and plan. This past week I met a friend at the library and we PLANNED. It was great! It was amazing! It was stress-relieving. I am starting small again, but I am starting. It makes me happy! I have also read three books. I really can not tell you how long it has been since I read a book (maybe four years)! I really feel these little steps are helping me add some joy back into my life. It is a start.
Hapiness Day 11: My sister makes me happy.
She is such a hard-working, dedicated, loving mother of 3 crazy, but super adorable children. When I was a commuter I had such huge amounts of guilt from being too tired to see family on days off. Huge amounts to the point that I would cry for hours on my days off because I felt horrible. That is truly no life to live. Working in Kent has been a blessing. I was able to surprise the kids at Ashlee’s volleyball game after work and spend the day with them today. I feel at peace when I am with my family.
How do you counteract those feelings of guilt? What are your go to coping mechanisms? Comment below. I would like to hear them!
Happiness Day 7- Just Get To It
Try something new…
I told myself I needed to try something new. Transferring to Aegis of Kent I have been reinvigorated in trying new art. I do not consider myself an artist AT ALL, but I am trying something new. I am trying and enjoying it. It has proven to be a great way to decompress in the evening. Tonight I attempted a lion and used chalk pastels.