October 14th I decided to log off social media. I was just frustrated with the selfishness of those around me. It was a selfish reason to log off because I was tired how other people’s choices were directly impacting me. Many times the past two months I have wanted to post my feelings but refrained from doing so. Now at 2:00 am I am laying in bed still struggling with the take, take, take of those around me. This is supposed to be a merry season, a season of joy yet I find myself crying at the thought of having to do anything more. Crying at the expectations… at the constant ask for more. I don’t have much more to give and it is literally killing me inside. Kind of fitting that today, December 21st is titled as “Blue Christmas”. Traditionally Blue Christmas is a day to provide contemplative worship for those experiencing grief or loss during the season. It is about comforting fellow Christians who are grieving and struggling to find joy and hope during the season. That for sure is me. So besides praying, how do you find that joy and hope when it honestly feels like there is no more? That there is no more you can give during a time that should be filled with happiness and service? The Grinch’s heart grew three times but I feel as if mine has shrunk three times and it makes me feel guilty to have such negative and depressing feelings. This year, it truly is a Blue Christmas and I just want the season to be over with so they expectations of the holiday can be over. But honestly? Truly? Without having to give anymore of yourself, how do you overcome these feelings?
I have been mentally trying to destress and be anxiety free for surgery on Thursday. It seems like the world is pushing against me right now. Telling me I should be taking care of others before myself. Telling me to postpone surgery for another date. But then I am also being pushed to care for myself. The guilt is unreal. Today I came across this shirt from Etsy. It made me laugh… because it is so true. Multiple times a day I run into walls thinking I am in the middle of a path. Just one symptom of many… that could be solved with one minor brain surgery.
On another hand. My last post I said I would be blogging about feelings and experiences leading up to this moment. I literally forgot what I was going to blog about. Soooo, maybe it will be an afterthought blog.