I am always in some sort of pain. It really does become something you just get use to. It really is the only choice (for me) when no other form of therapy relieves the pain. I just live with the fact that I will always be in pain.
This photo was taken on August 22, 2020. Still experiencing a lot of emotion these past couple days but to say I feel really blessed I do not remember the pain from brain surgery is an understatement. I. DO. NOT. REMEMBER. THE. PAIN. I see photos like this and know I felt pain and I remember saying, “It just hurts!” and breaking down in tears but I do not remember feeling the pain.
This year, the pain is all in my heart.
In other news, my super cute little nephew, Bradley, FaceTimed me yesterday. It brought some sunshine into my cloudy mood.
PLEASE NOTE: this post contains graphic medical photos. Please do not read on if you do not want to see them!
The past couple days seem to have merged into one large day.
This Saturday my brother Michael was in town working a job for a very short time. It was so good to see him. He is just such a soft-spoken, hard-working good man. Because Muggs was in town, I also got to see my sister and her three kids who brought is Cinnamon Rolls from the Black Diamond Bakery. I pretty much sat with ice on my neck and listened to the conversations with my eyes closed. It was so nice to be around family. I was able to cuddle up in the softest blanket sent by my sister-in-law Lesleigh and brother Chris and Family. It was just a comfy day.
Wanna know the best part?! I got to take a shower! I may not have washed my hair as well as I could have but I was so afraid to pull a staple. I have the best mother who stared at the back of my gross head to brush and dry my hair. It felt so good to have a shower!
Last year I had every intention of blogging throughout brain surgery recovery… but I didn’t. I do not remember much about recovery but I do remember not having the energy or drive to blog or journal. So now a year later I feel I owe it to myself to record my feelings.
I think I expected to feel a sense of relief today. But today has brought back so many emotions and not even good emotions. I still don’t feel like myself. I do not know who I am anymore.
Seeing photos from last year have made me cry, cry all day. This was the most amount of fear I have ever felt. I was not allowed to have anyone come into the hospital with me. Literally dropped off at the curb. It was so scary. After surgery I just wanted to talk to my parents and had no way of communicating with them. It was so lonely and terrifying. A feeling I think about often… a feeling I can not forget. It is hard to feel THE feelings. Truly hard. And now I have 8 weeks of feelings I did not journal last year. This is hard!